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Groomed for abuse

I barely knew how to speak when I was first exposed to porn. My parents divorced when I was four I was left with my father. I loved and adored him, and we would sleep in the same bed most of the time. Most nights, when he thought I was asleep, he would watch porn on TV. Hardcore porn. To this day, I remember with graphic detail what he was watching. Everything was dark. I didn’t know what it was but I was so shocked and scared. I didn’t let him know I was awake, because even then I could understand that I wasn’t supposed to be watching that. I used to roll around and pretend I had been woken up, but still he never once turned off the TV. He would just say, “Don’t bother, it’s nothing, go to sleep.”

What I saw on the television was the first perception I had of sex. I now know that his addiction blurred any normal perceptions one might have. It made my father totally blind to my pain and to the ones around him.

I grew up feeling guilty and dirty. Sometimes I would say shocking things to other girls, just to see how they reacted. I felt that I was dirty and they were innocent. Sometimes I would draw naked women and then smudge everything out so that nobody would know.

When i hit adolescent my father started fondling my boobs he would say jenny you have grown to be a beautiful woman and  it made me feel nice on my 16th birthday my father came with a bottle of wine and told me to bring two glasses we both had wine after that he put on the porn  and we started watching and doing what  we saw on the tv. One thing led to another and I had sex with my father  he took away my pride it was a very painful experience  but later on I got used to having sex with my father he introduced me into contraceptives.

One day after school I met my father in bed with another woman ,I was so pissed I walked out and slammed the door, how could he cheat on me after ruining my life he was selfish  he would never let me  have boyfriends I had become his sex toy and I had grown to love him as a man not as a father.

From that day I never went back home I went to a neighboring town and started working in a brothel got into drugs, my life is a mess am an addict and  HIV positive .I blame it all on  my parents  were it not for their divorce I would be a somebody  not a nobody .I hate my mother for leaving me with a monster of a father who abused me and took away my innocence

About Mesh

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